Hungover on a Tuesday!

4.30 a.m. I wake up after just 4 hours sleep. A fat, bloated sweaty mess. I step into the garden and it’s already light.  Thank goodness for the mornings.  I never drink in the mornings. The light is fantastic. It’s Tuesday, I’m working today but here I am; tired, exhausted, sweaty and hungover.

I’m sure writing this blog is making things worse. It’s not just the  writing about my relationship with alcohol, the blog has got me thinking about it pretty much all the time as well. In particular I think about my key concept of being able to control my drinking. I really am having to look honestly at my pattern of drinking now and in the past. Is my drinking out of control? 

 Then yesterday something strange happened.  I had a no holds barred binge drinking session all on my own, on a Monday.  Hence the hangover on a Tuesday. The strangeness is the day.  I would never normally have a drink on a Monday. I always drink too much at the weekend, slowing down on a Sunday and giving my body a rest on Mondays and Tuesdays. In some strange way I think yesterday I wanted to put my theory of controlled drinking to the test. I had had an active day and came home with the sun still blazing.  I grabbed a non alcoholic beer. They’re OK but there’s no hit. In the fridge are some lovely cold beers, real beers. I don’t usually drink on a Monday but I say to myself that as a bit of research for my blog I shall try drinking just one or two beers and then stop. In other words drinking in a way that a sane, non alcohol dependent person might do. I like the idea, of course I do it’s giving me an excuse to do what I love doing;drink.  

It’s astonishing how stupid a grown, seemingly intelligent 60 year old can be.  I drink two beers, read the paper.  All is good. This is the point where I should stop.  There’s no one around and no one is coming round tonight. I cook a really nice meal and convince myself that wine with such a nice meal would be appropriate and deserved. The full glass gets swilled down in seconds.Even as I am in that moment I am aware that this is the point where I am losing control.  My brain is now drug influenced so rational control is much harder.  It feels like two days ago all over again.

The bottle of wine is finished and I switch to gin, watch telly, feel disgusted with myself and for solace eat cheese and biscuits. I fall asleep in my chair and eventually get to bed just after 12. Fivehours later I’m writing this and the horrible realization is that I am not in a position where I can control my drinking.  I have a problem. I know I do. And now I have to get through a day of work (I have never taken a day off work due to my drinking) feeling like shit and pretending that all is OK. 

Today and tomorrow will be no alcohol days. I must have a strategy in place before I next try a “controlled” drinking session. I find it sad that it’s easier for me to have nothing rather than just one or two drinks.  I know I am blogging a lot at the moment but this self examination is long overdue.  I will also  have to face an uncomfortable truth. If I cannot get to a place where I have understood, controlled and reduced my drinking then I will have to consider giving up completely.  There is an urgency to this. Next post must be that looking back that I promised myself.  How did I get here?

It’s now 5.30 and it is fully light and the garden is full of birdsong.  I love the mornings.  I never drink in the morning.

Jim x

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About dealingwithalcoholdependency

Semi retired professional working in education and social work. Exploring how I became alcohol dependent and hoping I can find a way to moderate rather than abstain. It may be a losing battle but reluctant at this stage to lose this constant companion.
This entry was posted in Alcohol, Alcohol dependency, cutting back on alcohol, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Hungover on a Tuesday!

  1. Hi Jim!
    I am a retired teacher, and I can’t type much right now, I added you to my reading list!
    xo
    Wendy

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    • Hi there ! I was in teaching too, still am to some extent, but now it’s my turn to be the learner. I tried to comment on your blog but for some reason it wouldn’t accept my WordPress profile. I have read and enjoyed your blog however and it’s been really interesting reading the different views around alcohol and the different ways people are dealing with it. For me I am determined to understand and moderate my drinking. Possibly misguided but have to give it a go.
      Jim

      Liked by 1 person

  2. One thing I certainly don’t miss is the immensely time consuming obsessive thinking about my drinking. Can I, can’t I? Should I, shouldn’t I? When? How much? How often? etc… It’s exhausting. I, and many others stayed stuck in this place for many years. Admitting you’re in problem territory may not feel like a good thing right now but making that admission usually turns out to be a good thing in the end. I hope you’re feeling much better by now, hangovers are no fun 😦 Take care.

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  3. habitdone says:

    I’m glad TOTW recommended you to me. I do understand where you are coming from. I KNOW all the sober people understand us. They have all been here! I do feel that I am better off than I was in April 2016 just for having admitted my issues, tried abstinence and seen how good that feels, and have learned that sometimes I am actually powerful against alcohol, but sometimes I am also powerless. Lately I’ve been in both a good and bad place. Good that I don’t have drunken episodes and am enjoying my relationships, feeling pretty overall happy, BUT bad that I still don’t always stop at “healthy”, sometimes feel lethargic, and definitely feel fat. I, too, eat all the wrong things so I really am trying to tackle diet and alcohol. What I’ve done in the last week is called avoidance….I’ve focused on exercise. Lol. But it does help keep my mood in a better place and give me some sense of accomplishment. Maybe that’s why I’m still periodically over indulging but not falling down. Not sure. You are right, there aren’t many blogs like ours. I’m not sure why. Maybe because the blogs seem so full of successes as to be intimidating and folks like us may feel like failures. I don’t though. I just see it as my journey. You may enjoy reading back on this blog: https://practicingmoderation.wordpress.com/ She hasn’t written in awhile but I thought had some interesting ideas if you are still in research mode. Her style takes a lot of control but seemed to work for her. I caught up on your blog and look forward to more posts!

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    • Thanks for your comments. It feels really good to know that someone is treading a similar path and boy can I relate to the issues of food as well. Far from being failures I think it’s in some ways a braver and more difficult thing trying to moderate. I haven’t had a drink for three days. That’s pretty easy-but this weekend, socialising and keeping to a pre defined limit- that will be a challenge. I don’t want to deny myself the fun an conviviality of drink I just want to understand and control the need to be the one who consumes to excess whilst others do not.
      Really glad to have made contact with you.
      Jim

      Liked by 1 person

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