4.30 a.m. I wake up after just 4 hours sleep. A fat, bloated sweaty mess. I step into the garden and it’s already light. Thank goodness for the mornings. I never drink in the mornings. The light is fantastic. It’s Tuesday, I’m working today but here I am; tired, exhausted, sweaty and hungover.
I’m sure writing this blog is making things worse. It’s not just the writing about my relationship with alcohol, the blog has got me thinking about it pretty much all the time as well. In particular I think about my key concept of being able to control my drinking. I really am having to look honestly at my pattern of drinking now and in the past. Is my drinking out of control?
Then yesterday something strange happened. I had a no holds barred binge drinking session all on my own, on a Monday. Hence the hangover on a Tuesday. The strangeness is the day. I would never normally have a drink on a Monday. I always drink too much at the weekend, slowing down on a Sunday and giving my body a rest on Mondays and Tuesdays. In some strange way I think yesterday I wanted to put my theory of controlled drinking to the test. I had had an active day and came home with the sun still blazing. I grabbed a non alcoholic beer. They’re OK but there’s no hit. In the fridge are some lovely cold beers, real beers. I don’t usually drink on a Monday but I say to myself that as a bit of research for my blog I shall try drinking just one or two beers and then stop. In other words drinking in a way that a sane, non alcohol dependent person might do. I like the idea, of course I do it’s giving me an excuse to do what I love doing;drink.
It’s astonishing how stupid a grown, seemingly intelligent 60 year old can be. I drink two beers, read the paper. All is good. This is the point where I should stop. There’s no one around and no one is coming round tonight. I cook a really nice meal and convince myself that wine with such a nice meal would be appropriate and deserved. The full glass gets swilled down in seconds.Even as I am in that moment I am aware that this is the point where I am losing control. My brain is now drug influenced so rational control is much harder. It feels like two days ago all over again.
The bottle of wine is finished and I switch to gin, watch telly, feel disgusted with myself and for solace eat cheese and biscuits. I fall asleep in my chair and eventually get to bed just after 12. Fivehours later I’m writing this and the horrible realization is that I am not in a position where I can control my drinking. I have a problem. I know I do. And now I have to get through a day of work (I have never taken a day off work due to my drinking) feeling like shit and pretending that all is OK.
Today and tomorrow will be no alcohol days. I must have a strategy in place before I next try a “controlled” drinking session. I find it sad that it’s easier for me to have nothing rather than just one or two drinks. I know I am blogging a lot at the moment but this self examination is long overdue. I will also have to face an uncomfortable truth. If I cannot get to a place where I have understood, controlled and reduced my drinking then I will have to consider giving up completely. There is an urgency to this. Next post must be that looking back that I promised myself. How did I get here?