Dispatches from the Frontline 2- it’s why I call it sweet poison

Cutting down -that’s the theory.  Did well this week.  Three days without alcohol, a Friday night where I drank a bottle of wine (but see this a success) then today a test. Went to a food and drink festival. Self talk beforehand-“have a drink but dont go crazy- this is a good test.”

So how did I do? Saw stall selling Thai food, the odd beer etc. Nowhere to sit. Suddenly an oasis springs up. A local restaurant had pitched up a tent. Food and drink with a table and chairs. Yes please.  Ordered a bottle of wine and my girlfriend was in a good mood and drank a glass.  I made sure I had most of course. Lovely pleasant feelings, that slightly tipsy feeling when you feel at peace with yourself and the world.  This is why I drink. It’s good, I feel good, we chat effortlessly to the couple on the next table. Wine- the great connector. So far so sweet.

The wine is finished. I know inside that this is the point where normal drinkers stop. Of course they do.  To drink more now takes it to another needless place. I call over the waiter,”one of those nice local beers please,”my girlfriend raises an eyebrow but says nothing. I’m now feeling what I can only describe as loosely relaxed. We look around the festival.  I try some local wines before trying and then buying \a glass of rose.  We then head to the gin and vodka stalls. My girlfriend wants to move on.  I try the gins. I buy two bottles to take home.

I walk back to my house stopping off to buy overpriced tonic. My girlfriend is coming over soon. I’m sitting here having drunk at least 14 units.  I know, I absolutely know I should stop.  And I have. I’m writing this but all the time I’m thinking,”beer or Gin and tonic?” This is the poison.

Today encapsulates everything that defines my relationship to alcohol. I love it. I love how it makes me feel. I hate it. It takes over. I cant imagine giving it up completely.  It feels that a life without alcohol will be duller, less fun.  I love the people who drink.  This blog is making me think, like never before about how big is the relationship with drinking I  have had/am having. If I pour that G and T I know I will look at the blue sky and experience a slightly euphoric feeling.  I will also feel guilt and tomorrow I will feel disappointed and wonder why my moderation strategies did not work.  Sweet poison indeed.

I’ve nodded oƒf mid blog.

It’s 7 pm – Spotify is on in the background as I wake up. It’s John Grant – GMF- how appropriate- self loathing at its most poignant.  I love John Grant. Melodies so silky smooth, a voice as rich as expresso and lyrics that rip and tear at your soul. That little gap, the snooze as the blog entry lies open on the iPad is enough to help me reach for the kettle rather than the gin.  Little triumphs.

About dealingwithalcoholdependency

Semi retired professional working in education and social work. Exploring how I became alcohol dependent and hoping I can find a way to moderate rather than abstain. It may be a losing battle but reluctant at this stage to lose this constant companion.
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7 Responses to Dispatches from the Frontline 2- it’s why I call it sweet poison

  1. Hi Jim,
    I have a lot of German in me as well, my mother’s side all came from Germany, and my father’s dad did as well.
    I understand the love, hate relationship with alcohol.
    The hardest thing standing in the way of getting sober for me, was how I loved the romantic, fun ideas of drinking I had in my head.
    But life is funny, and once I got some sober time under my feet, I slowly found I can not only survive not drinking, things are just as fun and romantic.
    I am glad you got some tea!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s interesting. Well I’m pleased I had the tea. Did finish the evening with a g and t though. Girlfriend made a comment about my poor liver but pretty pleased that I did have a break mid evening.
    Enjoy your weekend

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A bit of something feels great so surely a lot of it should feel awesome? I seem to have never shaken that classic conviction which has got me into all kinds of drink and drug-related mischief over the years. Well done on the tea break. Best wishes.

    Like

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